Monday, March 30, 2009

Hare Krishna Preacher Attempts to Expand His Flock

August 10, 2002
San Diego, CA

Zookeeper Charles Dalton began his early morning chores as usual this morning, but was in for a surprise when he went into the ape house to serve breakfast to the primates. He heard a young girl shouting to her parents, 'Look Mommy, Daddy that one ape has a ponytail.' Dalton looked over in their direction and spotted a naked Hare Krishna monk sitting on the branch of one of the fake trees and giving a sermon to an orangutan named Susie. 'You are not this body. You are a spirit soul. You need to give up this maya and shave up and move into the temple.' he heard the monk telling the ape, who just picked lint from the monk's eyebrows and sniffed his butt, oblivious to the words of wisdom.

Dalton shouted, 'Hey what the hell are you doing in there!' The monk shouted out in alarm, 'Quick, the demons have spotted us. We must make our escape!' and started tugging at the large ape's arm. Susie took this as an invitation for play and began wrestling with the monk, who kept shouting, 'No, you don't understand. I am here to liberate you from the cycle of birth and death and show you the way back to Godhead!' Dalton summoned some other zookeepers to help him separate the two and they tied up the monk with some rope and called the police. The monk, Banara Das, 25, has been charged with trespassing and public indecency.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Hare Krishnas Get Permit for Cart Festival

August 10, 2002
San Francisco, CA

The City Council yesterday awarded a permit for the local Hare Krishna center to use a military tank for its annual cart festival in Golden Gate Park. An applications for a permit for a caravan of armored Humvees with roof mounted automatic rifle turrets for Hare Krishna gurus to ride in down the parade route was denied, however.

The organization's spokeswoman, Annoutami Devi Dasi, 23, told reporters, "We think updating our traditional chariot to the modern version of the chariot for Their Lordships to ride on will help the conditioned souls relate to our mission, as well as show our support for the president's anti-terrorist campaign. As far as the armored vehicles for our leaders, that was just a standard security measure, but the city does not agree. But they are just in maya. If some stalker wants to take a shot at a guru with a handgun, the guru has every right to have his secretary fire back with an automatic weapon.

"Okay, I know what you're thinking, some innocent bystanders might get gunned down in the spray of bullets, but hey that's not really so bad, because they get to go back to Godhead because they will be having darshan of Shree Jagannath, Shree Baladev and Shreematee Subhadra at the time. And who knows they could even be an Al Qaeda agent, so it would be killing two birds with one stone. We plan to appeal to the White House over this."

Apparently the city offered to make a concession and let the gurus ride in caravan of vehicles with bullet proof glass bubbles so they can wave to the crowds, like the Pope uses, and a bodyguard with a registered handgun accompanying each one, but the offer was rejected by the Krishnas, who stand firm in their request.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Hare Krishna Guru Indicted for Sperm Bank Fraud

August 9, 2002
Memphis, TN

Circuit Court Judge, Walter T. Hangemheigh, set a trial date today for Bhaktishastri Swami Hiranyakashipu Kalipada Sarasvati Bharati Goswami Maharaj Mahabhagavata Acharya for his alleged scheme to bilk the local sperm bank out of money and establish a master race of Vedic Aryans to help him overthrow the U.S. government.

His plan apparently unraveled when a clerk who works at the sperm bank, Ms. Smith, 37, caught on to his method of having hundreds of his disciples go in to make deposits with vials of his sperm samples hidden in their pockets. Smith told the court in a pre-trial deposition proceeding, 'It was kind of obvious considering they all had the same address on the donor form and sometimes some of them would come in wearing these bad disguises like wigs and fake beards and mustaches. Only a couple of them took magazines from the pile we keep on hand to you know ' 'help them along', which was a big red flag. We get these cases from time to time, but never on this massive of a scale. They thought they were so clever with their big philosophy, but hey, I guess I am smarter than them after all.'

Mr. Acharya made a statement to the court that the case is a travesty and miscarriage of justice, considering his status as a Vedic Brahmin priest and that he was only practicing what his scriptures teach about pro-creating for religious reasons. He added that they should be out catching the real criminals like crooked corporate executives and sahajiyas and mayavadis.

A local pharmacist told reporters, "I knew Acharya. He used to come in here with all kinds of crazy prescriptions in massive quantities. I sometimes would tell him, 'Hey you can't mix those drugs together. You're going to kill yourself.' And he would just tell me, Shut up you dog eater and mind your own business.' Sometimes he would come in dressed up as Elvis, which I though was wrong. Elvis was a gentleman, unlike this dude, and a very good customer I might add."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Interview of President Bush

Washington D.C.
August 8, 2002

The following is a NEHKE exclusive transcript of an Oval Office conversation between President Bush and Annoutami Dasi.

Secret Service Agent: Mr. President, the Hare Krishna people are here to see you.

GWB: What are Al Qaeda doing in the building' What's going on'

Secret Service Agent: They are not terrorists. They are from that religious organization. You know - the people that collect money in airports.

GWB: Oh. Yeah right. I mean, of course I know that. I'm just trying to keep you guys on your toes. Can never be to careful you know. [Chuckles] All right send them in, but stay close in case they try anything.

Annoutami Dasi and her male secretary enter and fall at Mr. Bush's feet as he extends his hand.

Annoutami Dasi and secretary in unison: nama om vishnu padaya...

GWB: Hey you can't do that in here, this is the Oval Office, for God's sake.

Secret Service Agent: It's ok, Mr. President. It's their standard protocol when dealing with government representatives.

Annoutami Dasi's secretary holds out a bag of pretzels.

AD: This is holy food from our temple, Mr. President. Please accept it as our gift.

GWB: I like pretzels. Thank you. Would you like a cigar with the presidential seal on it'

AD: Yes, please.

Mr. Bush hands each of them one. AD's secretary starts to light his and AD knocks it out of his hand.

AD: You fool! That has not been offered yet!

AD takes out a little picture of her guru, proceeds to light her cigar and offer it to the picture. Everyone takes a seat.

GWB: So, what brings you to the White House today?

AD: We have this problem with our permit for our annual San Francisco cart festival.

GWB: I like golf carts. I ride in them all of the time.

AD: So does my spiritual master.

GWB: Great minds think alike. What's his handicap?

AD: Seven.

GWB: Impressive. So how can I help with your problem?

AD: They let us have the permit for the tank for our Deities to ride upon, but they have turned down our application for the caravan of Humvees for our leaders to ride in. This is not acceptable. It creates a security problem for us.

GWB: I know all about security problems. Did they give you a reason for denying your application?

AD: They said that we could not have the vehicles in the parade because of the automatic weapons mounted on the roof.

GWB: What do you need such heavy fire power for?

AD: We never know when our leaders might be fired upon. Plus, there might be Al Qaeda agents out to assassinate them, on account of our Hindu roots.

GWB: So in other words, you're saying that Bin Laden or one of his top men might be at the parade and you might be able to take him out for us?

AD: That's exactly what I'm saying, Srila, I mean Mr. President.

GWB: That's enough for me. I'll have your permit for you by the end of the week.

AD: Thank you so much, Mr. President.

GWB: Anything for my voters.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

East India Company Implicated in Academic Bribery

Dissociated Press
Monday, Feb 16, 2009
Marburg, Germany

In a surprise news shaking the contemporary academic world, documents found in the archives of the Department of Indology, Marburg University, reveal substantial East India Company sponsorship behind global indological research as recently as 2007.

The company, previously thought to have gone defunct in 1858, is now rumored to be as active as ever in influencing the direction of mainstream indological studies. The documents discovered apparently feature a re-confirmation of an original covenant dating to mid-19th century, signed by Max Müller and Ralph Griffith among others.

Rumors abound over the objectives and supporting forces behind the company. Senior officer for the British Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), who declined to be identified, has confirmed the presence of East India Company representatives in high-level staff meetings on several occasions.

Sources tell that the Queen of England is still bent on exercising her dominion over colonies of past, supporting the systematic campaign of misinformation interpreting old Indic religious texts as mere animistic ritualism. With the renewed funding of the British Empire, the East India Company is rumored to be educating the Indian masses on the Holy Gospel of Christ under the convenient veil of indology.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Letters to the Editor: August 8th

August 8th, 2002

Dear Sirs,

Please accept my humble obeisances. I am very angry that you refused to run my article about my problem with my guru. As I told you in the story I spent many hours writing and rewriting how he kept stringing me along for over five years telling me how he was definitely going to get a divorce from his wife and marry me. He kept getting cheaper and cheaper hotel rooms for us to meet at and the jewelry gifts went from Tiffiny to costume cubic zirconia. Then after all of that humiliation he tells me that he can't marrry me after all because it would not be Vedic for him to marry his own disciple.

Then I ask him which Veda says that and he just tells me how I am in maya and don't see the big picture and how I should just surrender to Prabhupada's movement and stop just thinking of myself. He would not even use a condom and I always had to take the pill and use a diaphragm, plus he really was not very good in bed. I think my story should be told and you have just ignored me. I do not understand.


Dear L.D.D.

First of all, what are humble obeisances? Secondly, it is not our policy to print any articles without being able to verify the facts. If we were to just print every juicy story that comes along, then our readers would start to doubt the integrity of our publication.

If you can at least furnish some other proof about this story (photographs, letters, receipts from jewelry stores, anything more than just the story you sent us), then we could reconsider printing your article. Until then keep with the humble obeisances, whatever that is and don't lose hope. You might just bring us the next Pulitzer prize winning piece or the celebrity scandal photo of the century.

NEHKE Editor in Chief

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Hare Krishna Spy Stows Away on Space Shuttle

August 7, 2002
Cape Kennedy, FL

The space shuttle crew discovered a stowaway on a recent mission to upgrade the Hubble telescope.

An astronaut told reports, 'I was doing a routine system when I noticed this shaved head with a little pony tail on it sticking out from among some Ethernet cables behind one of the onboard computers, so I yanked on the pony tail and he started screaming Hindu incantations at me. We tied him up and turned him over to authorities upon landing. He must have thought he was getting closer to his god by going into orbit with us.'

The stowaway, V. Das, 22, was expelled from several Hare Krishna schools for refusing to take his Ritalin for hyperactivity and joined an international terrorist faction within the organization that claims no ties to the official governing committee, the GBC, but intelligence agencies suspect that the GBC secretly authorized the formation of the extremist faction, mainly to spy on rival religious sects to dig up dirt on them and threaten them with violence should they ever criticize the Hare Krishna corporation ISKCON.

Das would not disclose the details of his secret mission, but agents that questioned him think he was attempting to discredit NASA based on the writings of his spiritual master, who thought that NASA faked not only the moon landings but all of its space programs since the beginning. However, apparently he thought the Russian space program was genuine and that Hitler was actually a benign ruler that was merely maligned by political enemies for being too powerful.