East India Company Implicated in Academic Bribery

Dissociated Press
Monday, Feb 16, 2009
Marburg, Germany

In a surprise news shaking the contemporary academic world, documents found in the archives of the Department of Indology, Marburg University, reveal substantial East India Company sponsorship behind global indological research as recently as 2007.

The company, previously thought to have gone defunct in 1858, is now rumored to be as active as ever in influencing the direction of mainstream indological studies. The documents discovered apparently feature a re-confirmation of an original covenant dating to mid-19th century, signed by Max Müller and Ralph Griffith among others.

Rumors abound over the objectives and supporting forces behind the company. Senior officer for the British Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), who declined to be identified, has confirmed the presence of East India Company representatives in high-level staff meetings on several occasions.

Sources tell that the Queen of England is still bent on exercising her dominion over colonies of past, supporting the systematic campaign of misinformation interpreting old Indic religious texts as mere animistic ritualism. With the renewed funding of the British Empire, the East India Company is rumored to be educating the Indian masses on the Holy Gospel of Christ under the convenient veil of indology.

Hare Krishna Swami Loses Soul

Back in the days, I co-authored a few slurs for NEHKE aside archiving it all. For old times' sake, here's one more.

January 17, 2009
Helsinki, Finland

In an unprecedented "Stay High Forever" temple music festival, Anatma Swami, a fired-up Hare Krishna preacher, lost grip of his wildly whirling monk partner and flew headlong into a larger-than-life copper replica of the movement founder's lotus feet by an open window.

As the Swami failed to respond to conventional first aid, temple authorities alerted for resident witch doctor Shittiwawa Das, an Indian tantric adept and leading disciple of retired guru Bob Haripada, for help. At the conclusion of a fair fifteen minutes of exotic rattling, popping, muttering, whisking and bouncing, Das concluded the patient's soul had departed in the crash and required urgent re-insertion.

All resident devotees have patrolled downtown Helsinki since yesterday afternoon, the time of the incident, passing out pamphlets urging for the lost soul's founder to return the precious commodity to its rightful owner – in return for the Swami's abundant and perpetual blessings. Sources tell former guru Bob Haripada found his soul in the late 90's with the help of a female therapist.

The soul in question is described as bearing a strong resemblance to 1:10,000th fragment of a male Caucasian hair tip, following the verdict of an ancient Hindu philosophical text. One ten-thousandth part of an average Caucasian tip of hair measures at an average of 0,0075 µm. Temple authorities were not available for comment on distinguishing the Swami's soul from any number of other souls probably lost downtown Helsinki.