Letters to the Editor: August 8th

August 8th, 2002

Dear Sirs,

Please accept my humble obeisances. I am very angry that you refused to run my article about my problem with my guru. As I told you in the story I spent many hours writing and rewriting how he kept stringing me along for over five years telling me how he was definitely going to get a divorce from his wife and marry me. He kept getting cheaper and cheaper hotel rooms for us to meet at and the jewelry gifts went from Tiffiny to costume cubic zirconia. Then after all of that humiliation he tells me that he can't marrry me after all because it would not be Vedic for him to marry his own disciple.

Then I ask him which Veda says that and he just tells me how I am in maya and don't see the big picture and how I should just surrender to Prabhupada's movement and stop just thinking of myself. He would not even use a condom and I always had to take the pill and use a diaphragm, plus he really was not very good in bed. I think my story should be told and you have just ignored me. I do not understand.

Sincerely,
L.D.D.

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Dear L.D.D.

First of all, what are humble obeisances? Secondly, it is not our policy to print any articles without being able to verify the facts. If we were to just print every juicy story that comes along, then our readers would start to doubt the integrity of our publication.

If you can at least furnish some other proof about this story (photographs, letters, receipts from jewelry stores, anything more than just the story you sent us), then we could reconsider printing your article. Until then keep with the humble obeisances, whatever that is and don't lose hope. You might just bring us the next Pulitzer prize winning piece or the celebrity scandal photo of the century.

Sincerely,
NEHKE Editor in Chief

Hare Krishna Swami Mounts Cyber Offensive Against Rivals

August 1, 2002

An American disciple of an Indian guru, Swami Sue White-tailed Deer, has recently published an article on his website that alleges disqualifications of the guru of a rival group. Sources could not verify whether or not Deer is of Native American descent or male or female gender.

All they would say is that clues are to be found in the song 'A Boy Named Sue' by country singer Johnny Cash. According to reports Deer went on a rampage after surfing to a website by a rival sect and finding statements that discredited his own group. He then went into his cell at the monastery and locked himself in for three days, furiously trying to find any scandals on the rival group. He failed to turn up any leads, and so hired a private detective firm outside of London to rummage through trash cans in various villages in India.

After several months had elapsed and his budget had run out, he stopped the investigation, which had failed to bring in anything he could use. Then one morning he ran into a meeting of his fellow Swamis and exclaimed, "I know what we can do! We'll make fun of the guru's name!" One of the group replied, "Uh, Swamiji. Do you think that is really the right strategy''
"Do you have a better idea'' countered Deer.
"Uh, not really. Hey, go for it!"