July 23, 2002
Dallas, TX
Members of KKAPP (Krishna Kids Against Perverts and Pedophiles) burned several Hare Krishna gurus in effigy at a Dallas park today. They then sprinkled holy Ganges water over the ashes. The images were fashioned from paper mache and cow dung.
The KKAPP folks are former students at Hare Krishna boarding schools that recently sued the organization for physical and sexual abuse in years past. One of the gurus burnt in effigy told reporters, "Yeah, well I was in maya, just like those kids are now. It was the books of my spiritual master that eventually saved me. You know, those law books for the next ten thousand years.
"Have any of you read them? If not, then get your cameras and microphones out of my face, you meat eating and vagina licking and cock sucking demons. If you have read them and still have not shaved up, then my lotus boot upon your face!" He then proceeded to kick one photographer and the toy poodle of an elderly lady that happened to be passing by.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Hare Krishna Buck Private Lost in the Forest
July 19, 2002
Walla Walla National Forest, Washington
Search parties labored long into the night yesterday trying to find any trace of the missing Hare Krishna buck private, Bhakta Bert Billows. Mr. Billows had just completed six weeks training at the Hare Krishna boot camp for neophyte preachers and was on a chanting outing with his fellow Krishna devotees.
He was discovered missing around three in the afternoon. Several campers reported sighting a bigfoot wearing the traditional Hare Krishna beadbag, which Billows always carried around with him. A spokeswoman for the Krishnas discounted those reports and stated that their organization believes bigfoot to be the Hindu monkey god Hanuman, and that he would never steal a neophyte preacher's beadbag like that.
Police are investigating allegations that Billows was having an affair with the wife of his drill sergeant at the boot camp, which would give the sergeant motive for eliminating his buck private. So far they have not uncovered any hard evidence of foul play, however.
Walla Walla National Forest, Washington
Search parties labored long into the night yesterday trying to find any trace of the missing Hare Krishna buck private, Bhakta Bert Billows. Mr. Billows had just completed six weeks training at the Hare Krishna boot camp for neophyte preachers and was on a chanting outing with his fellow Krishna devotees.
He was discovered missing around three in the afternoon. Several campers reported sighting a bigfoot wearing the traditional Hare Krishna beadbag, which Billows always carried around with him. A spokeswoman for the Krishnas discounted those reports and stated that their organization believes bigfoot to be the Hindu monkey god Hanuman, and that he would never steal a neophyte preacher's beadbag like that.
Police are investigating allegations that Billows was having an affair with the wife of his drill sergeant at the boot camp, which would give the sergeant motive for eliminating his buck private. So far they have not uncovered any hard evidence of foul play, however.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Hare Krishnas Worship the Loch Ness Monster
July 18, 2002
Loch Ness, Scotland
The Hare Krishnas were out in force here today, doing their big puja cermemony to the Loch Ness Monster. They believe that he is actually the legendary Kaliya serpent mentioned in their sacred Hindu bible.
They attempted at one point to tie up a local Protestant minister as a human sacrifice to the elusive creature, but a band of drunken Scottish golfers rescued the poor fellow. They then proceeded to harrass the local wildlife instead, throwing pieces of unleavened whole wheat bread at them and scaring the bejesus out of them in the process.
Scotland Yard sent out investigators to make sure there were no Al Qaeda operatives that might have infiltrated the Krishnas. In the end they just issued citations for littering to the few stragglers that were on the premises at sunset.
Loch Ness, Scotland
The Hare Krishnas were out in force here today, doing their big puja cermemony to the Loch Ness Monster. They believe that he is actually the legendary Kaliya serpent mentioned in their sacred Hindu bible.
They attempted at one point to tie up a local Protestant minister as a human sacrifice to the elusive creature, but a band of drunken Scottish golfers rescued the poor fellow. They then proceeded to harrass the local wildlife instead, throwing pieces of unleavened whole wheat bread at them and scaring the bejesus out of them in the process.
Scotland Yard sent out investigators to make sure there were no Al Qaeda operatives that might have infiltrated the Krishnas. In the end they just issued citations for littering to the few stragglers that were on the premises at sunset.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Hare Krishnas Purchase Indian Micro-Brewery
September 9, 2002
Bangalore, India
The Hare Krishnas have just bought a ten year old brewery that specializes in custom beers and ales. They plan a huge Oktoberfest celebration next month at the brewery at which they will be premiering their new Soma brand. Apparently they claim to have evidence that the elixir of immortality of the same name mentioned in the Vedas was actually a type of beer and contained hops and other unknown ingredients.
There will also be scantily clad dancing girls at the party, which has the theme of Indra's celestial realm. Several million dollars has been spent purchasing decorations and rental of elephants and bright multicolored tents. They have also spared no expense as far as security, which includes several dozen heavily armed bouncers to deal with any revelers that get out of hand after over-indulging in the alcohol. Casino games are one of the major attractions to be featured.
Bangalore, India
The Hare Krishnas have just bought a ten year old brewery that specializes in custom beers and ales. They plan a huge Oktoberfest celebration next month at the brewery at which they will be premiering their new Soma brand. Apparently they claim to have evidence that the elixir of immortality of the same name mentioned in the Vedas was actually a type of beer and contained hops and other unknown ingredients.
There will also be scantily clad dancing girls at the party, which has the theme of Indra's celestial realm. Several million dollars has been spent purchasing decorations and rental of elephants and bright multicolored tents. They have also spared no expense as far as security, which includes several dozen heavily armed bouncers to deal with any revelers that get out of hand after over-indulging in the alcohol. Casino games are one of the major attractions to be featured.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Hare Krishna Stages Nude Protest at Nation's Capital
Washington, D.C.
September 6, 2002
Hare Krishna activist Puranjana Das was arrested here earlier today, along with thirty female prostitutes, for parading down a major street in a nude protest of the impending war on Iraq that President Bush is making a case for in the Congress and the United Nations. The protestors carried signs denouncing child molester gurus as well as the current U.S. government.
One of the prostitutes, who apparently is a spokesperson for the group, told reporters that the issue is that the president's war on terrorists and governments that support and harbor them is misplaced and that the real villains are homosexual gurus that prey on children. She added that they would continue the naked protests in various major cities throughout the nation until the people and the government come to their senses and realize where the true priorities lie. Finally she said that her pierced nipples are an expression of spirituality and her solidarity with Puranjana Das, who also has pierced nipples.
September 6, 2002
Hare Krishna activist Puranjana Das was arrested here earlier today, along with thirty female prostitutes, for parading down a major street in a nude protest of the impending war on Iraq that President Bush is making a case for in the Congress and the United Nations. The protestors carried signs denouncing child molester gurus as well as the current U.S. government.
One of the prostitutes, who apparently is a spokesperson for the group, told reporters that the issue is that the president's war on terrorists and governments that support and harbor them is misplaced and that the real villains are homosexual gurus that prey on children. She added that they would continue the naked protests in various major cities throughout the nation until the people and the government come to their senses and realize where the true priorities lie. Finally she said that her pierced nipples are an expression of spirituality and her solidarity with Puranjana Das, who also has pierced nipples.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Hare Krishna Guru Sues Over Copyright Infringement
London, U.K.
September 6, 2002
Hare Krishna guru Narayan Maharaj has filed suit against the estate of his arch-rival, the late Sridhar Maharaj. The suit maintains that Sridhar deliberately and willfully stole the content of recent lectures by Narayan several years ago prior to his death. It states that even though Sridhar's lectures predated Narayan's chronologically, it was because Sridhar via his mystical powers (known as siddhis in the Sanskrit language) could foresee what Narayan was going to say in the future and then proceeded to steal his ideas and words verbatim.
Sridhar's followers are outraged at the allegations and plan to file a countersuit in a few days. Narayan Maharaj is nonplussed, however. He told reporters this afternoon, "I know I will be victorious in the end and my case will be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. After all it is I that have been endowed with the shakti of my guru, who was a ray of Vishnu." Vishnu is the maintainer god from the Hindu trinity (Brahma is the creator and Shiva is the destroyer). "That imposter just wanted to pass himself off as the genuine article, but that was just form imitating substance." he added with a jeering sneer and an arch of his eyebrow.
September 6, 2002
Hare Krishna guru Narayan Maharaj has filed suit against the estate of his arch-rival, the late Sridhar Maharaj. The suit maintains that Sridhar deliberately and willfully stole the content of recent lectures by Narayan several years ago prior to his death. It states that even though Sridhar's lectures predated Narayan's chronologically, it was because Sridhar via his mystical powers (known as siddhis in the Sanskrit language) could foresee what Narayan was going to say in the future and then proceeded to steal his ideas and words verbatim.
Sridhar's followers are outraged at the allegations and plan to file a countersuit in a few days. Narayan Maharaj is nonplussed, however. He told reporters this afternoon, "I know I will be victorious in the end and my case will be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. After all it is I that have been endowed with the shakti of my guru, who was a ray of Vishnu." Vishnu is the maintainer god from the Hindu trinity (Brahma is the creator and Shiva is the destroyer). "That imposter just wanted to pass himself off as the genuine article, but that was just form imitating substance." he added with a jeering sneer and an arch of his eyebrow.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Family Pet Sues Owner
San Francisco, California
June 29, 2002
Fifi the poodle has filed suit against her owner, Mrs. H.K. Das in an unprecedented legal maneuver. The suit alleges that Mrs. Das was responsible for her husband, a minister for a local church run by the Hare Krishna sect, on several occasions chasing Fifi (a bitch, or female dog) around the house in attempt to procure sexual favors.
According to the sect's religious doctrine, married couples are prohibited from having intercourse more often than once a month. The suit alleges that many of the defendants claimed to be having sex as often as eight times a day, and several of them claimed to be having extramarital affairs with as many as three dozen other sect members.
The plaintiff, Mrs. H.K. Das, told reporters, "He has never really been very good in bed to begin with. My boyfriend is a much better lover. To have to sleep with him more than once a month is just hellish."
June 29, 2002
Fifi the poodle has filed suit against her owner, Mrs. H.K. Das in an unprecedented legal maneuver. The suit alleges that Mrs. Das was responsible for her husband, a minister for a local church run by the Hare Krishna sect, on several occasions chasing Fifi (a bitch, or female dog) around the house in attempt to procure sexual favors.
According to the sect's religious doctrine, married couples are prohibited from having intercourse more often than once a month. The suit alleges that many of the defendants claimed to be having sex as often as eight times a day, and several of them claimed to be having extramarital affairs with as many as three dozen other sect members.
The plaintiff, Mrs. H.K. Das, told reporters, "He has never really been very good in bed to begin with. My boyfriend is a much better lover. To have to sleep with him more than once a month is just hellish."
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