August 10, 2002
San Diego, CA
Zookeeper Charles Dalton began his early morning chores as usual this morning, but was in for a surprise when he went into the ape house to serve breakfast to the primates. He heard a young girl shouting to her parents, 'Look Mommy, Daddy that one ape has a ponytail.' Dalton looked over in their direction and spotted a naked Hare Krishna monk sitting on the branch of one of the fake trees and giving a sermon to an orangutan named Susie. 'You are not this body. You are a spirit soul. You need to give up this maya and shave up and move into the temple.' he heard the monk telling the ape, who just picked lint from the monk's eyebrows and sniffed his butt, oblivious to the words of wisdom.
Dalton shouted, 'Hey what the hell are you doing in there!' The monk shouted out in alarm, 'Quick, the demons have spotted us. We must make our escape!' and started tugging at the large ape's arm. Susie took this as an invitation for play and began wrestling with the monk, who kept shouting, 'No, you don't understand. I am here to liberate you from the cycle of birth and death and show you the way back to Godhead!' Dalton summoned some other zookeepers to help him separate the two and they tied up the monk with some rope and called the police. The monk, Banara Das, 25, has been charged with trespassing and public indecency.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Hare Krishnas Get Permit for Cart Festival
August 10, 2002
San Francisco, CA
The City Council yesterday awarded a permit for the local Hare Krishna center to use a military tank for its annual cart festival in Golden Gate Park. An applications for a permit for a caravan of armored Humvees with roof mounted automatic rifle turrets for Hare Krishna gurus to ride in down the parade route was denied, however.
The organization's spokeswoman, Annoutami Devi Dasi, 23, told reporters, "We think updating our traditional chariot to the modern version of the chariot for Their Lordships to ride on will help the conditioned souls relate to our mission, as well as show our support for the president's anti-terrorist campaign. As far as the armored vehicles for our leaders, that was just a standard security measure, but the city does not agree. But they are just in maya. If some stalker wants to take a shot at a guru with a handgun, the guru has every right to have his secretary fire back with an automatic weapon.
"Okay, I know what you're thinking, some innocent bystanders might get gunned down in the spray of bullets, but hey that's not really so bad, because they get to go back to Godhead because they will be having darshan of Shree Jagannath, Shree Baladev and Shreematee Subhadra at the time. And who knows they could even be an Al Qaeda agent, so it would be killing two birds with one stone. We plan to appeal to the White House over this."
Apparently the city offered to make a concession and let the gurus ride in caravan of vehicles with bullet proof glass bubbles so they can wave to the crowds, like the Pope uses, and a bodyguard with a registered handgun accompanying each one, but the offer was rejected by the Krishnas, who stand firm in their request.
San Francisco, CA
The City Council yesterday awarded a permit for the local Hare Krishna center to use a military tank for its annual cart festival in Golden Gate Park. An applications for a permit for a caravan of armored Humvees with roof mounted automatic rifle turrets for Hare Krishna gurus to ride in down the parade route was denied, however.
The organization's spokeswoman, Annoutami Devi Dasi, 23, told reporters, "We think updating our traditional chariot to the modern version of the chariot for Their Lordships to ride on will help the conditioned souls relate to our mission, as well as show our support for the president's anti-terrorist campaign. As far as the armored vehicles for our leaders, that was just a standard security measure, but the city does not agree. But they are just in maya. If some stalker wants to take a shot at a guru with a handgun, the guru has every right to have his secretary fire back with an automatic weapon.
"Okay, I know what you're thinking, some innocent bystanders might get gunned down in the spray of bullets, but hey that's not really so bad, because they get to go back to Godhead because they will be having darshan of Shree Jagannath, Shree Baladev and Shreematee Subhadra at the time. And who knows they could even be an Al Qaeda agent, so it would be killing two birds with one stone. We plan to appeal to the White House over this."
Apparently the city offered to make a concession and let the gurus ride in caravan of vehicles with bullet proof glass bubbles so they can wave to the crowds, like the Pope uses, and a bodyguard with a registered handgun accompanying each one, but the offer was rejected by the Krishnas, who stand firm in their request.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Hare Krishna Guru Indicted for Sperm Bank Fraud
August 9, 2002
Memphis, TN
Circuit Court Judge, Walter T. Hangemheigh, set a trial date today for Bhaktishastri Swami Hiranyakashipu Kalipada Sarasvati Bharati Goswami Maharaj Mahabhagavata Acharya for his alleged scheme to bilk the local sperm bank out of money and establish a master race of Vedic Aryans to help him overthrow the U.S. government.
His plan apparently unraveled when a clerk who works at the sperm bank, Ms. Smith, 37, caught on to his method of having hundreds of his disciples go in to make deposits with vials of his sperm samples hidden in their pockets. Smith told the court in a pre-trial deposition proceeding, 'It was kind of obvious considering they all had the same address on the donor form and sometimes some of them would come in wearing these bad disguises like wigs and fake beards and mustaches. Only a couple of them took magazines from the pile we keep on hand to you know ' 'help them along', which was a big red flag. We get these cases from time to time, but never on this massive of a scale. They thought they were so clever with their big philosophy, but hey, I guess I am smarter than them after all.'
Mr. Acharya made a statement to the court that the case is a travesty and miscarriage of justice, considering his status as a Vedic Brahmin priest and that he was only practicing what his scriptures teach about pro-creating for religious reasons. He added that they should be out catching the real criminals like crooked corporate executives and sahajiyas and mayavadis.
A local pharmacist told reporters, "I knew Acharya. He used to come in here with all kinds of crazy prescriptions in massive quantities. I sometimes would tell him, 'Hey you can't mix those drugs together. You're going to kill yourself.' And he would just tell me, Shut up you dog eater and mind your own business.' Sometimes he would come in dressed up as Elvis, which I though was wrong. Elvis was a gentleman, unlike this dude, and a very good customer I might add."
Memphis, TN
Circuit Court Judge, Walter T. Hangemheigh, set a trial date today for Bhaktishastri Swami Hiranyakashipu Kalipada Sarasvati Bharati Goswami Maharaj Mahabhagavata Acharya for his alleged scheme to bilk the local sperm bank out of money and establish a master race of Vedic Aryans to help him overthrow the U.S. government.
His plan apparently unraveled when a clerk who works at the sperm bank, Ms. Smith, 37, caught on to his method of having hundreds of his disciples go in to make deposits with vials of his sperm samples hidden in their pockets. Smith told the court in a pre-trial deposition proceeding, 'It was kind of obvious considering they all had the same address on the donor form and sometimes some of them would come in wearing these bad disguises like wigs and fake beards and mustaches. Only a couple of them took magazines from the pile we keep on hand to you know ' 'help them along', which was a big red flag. We get these cases from time to time, but never on this massive of a scale. They thought they were so clever with their big philosophy, but hey, I guess I am smarter than them after all.'
Mr. Acharya made a statement to the court that the case is a travesty and miscarriage of justice, considering his status as a Vedic Brahmin priest and that he was only practicing what his scriptures teach about pro-creating for religious reasons. He added that they should be out catching the real criminals like crooked corporate executives and sahajiyas and mayavadis.
A local pharmacist told reporters, "I knew Acharya. He used to come in here with all kinds of crazy prescriptions in massive quantities. I sometimes would tell him, 'Hey you can't mix those drugs together. You're going to kill yourself.' And he would just tell me, Shut up you dog eater and mind your own business.' Sometimes he would come in dressed up as Elvis, which I though was wrong. Elvis was a gentleman, unlike this dude, and a very good customer I might add."
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