Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Minister's Wife Sues Congregation

San Francisco, California
June 28th, 2002


The wife of a the minister at a local Krishna sect church here has filed suit in the federal circuit court against sixty four members of the church's congregation. The suit alleges that the defendants in the action caused her husband to become a sex maniac with their exaggerated tales of having frequent sex with their spouses.

According to the sect's religious doctrine, married couples are prohibited from having intercourse more often than once a month. The suit alleges that many of the defendants claimed to be having sex as often as eight times a day, and several of them claimed to be having extramarital affairs with as many as three dozen other sect members.

The plaintiff, Mrs. H.K. Das, told reporters, "He has never really been very good in bed to begin with. My boyfriend is a much better lover. To have to sleep with him more than once a month is just hellish."

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Congregation Sues Krishna Minister

San Francisco, California
June 27th, 2002

The congregation of a church of the Hare Krishna sect here has filed a lawsuit against its minister. The suit alleges that the minister, H.K. Das, engineered an elaborate scheme to bilk the church out of funds by filing a lawsuit against himself over breaking a vow of partial chastity.

According to a spokesperson for the sect, R. D. Dasi, Das, 54, has hired two attorneys, one to defend him and the other to sue him with the intention of getting them to invest a large portion of their legal fees in his fast food restaurant. Neither of Das's attorneys could be reached for comment. Dasi told local reporters in an interview this morning, "It is unbelievable that he would do this and with not one legal eagle, but two. I think he must be in double maya!"

Monday, December 29, 2008

Krishna Man Sues Himself

San Francisco, California
June 27th, 2002


A local minister in the Hare Krishna sect has filed a lawsuit with himself named as the both plaintiff and defendant in the federal circuit court here yesterday. The suit alleges that he broke his vow not to have sex with his wife more than once a month and is therefore entitled to punitive damages against himself for the pain and suffering he has caused to his congregation.

In a motion to dismiss by his defense attorney on the grounds that the lawsuit is frivolous, his attorney that is prosecuting the case argued that his client actually two people by the tenets of his own faith. One is his 'spirit soul' and the other is his 'false ego'. He further argued that it was the false ego self that broke the vow and that the spirit soul self is not entitle to damages.

Justice Berk T. V. Noad has take the matter under advisement and will issue a ruling by the end of the next week, after he has had a chance to review the doctrines of the Krishna sect's church.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Florida Mass Poisoning Taxes Local Emergency Rooms

June 25, 2002
Alachua, FL


Local hospitals are overburdened with victims of an incident that occurred over the weekend at the center run by the International Society of Krishna Conscience. 119 persons became violently ill over the course of the afternoon Sunday during an outdoor festival. Their symptoms were all similar and included vomiting and diarrhea.

Public health officials first suspected salmonella, but that has now been ruled out. Yesterday a youth, aged 15, came forward and confessed that he had added cow manure to a batch of yogurt drink that had been served. He claims that he did not intend to harm anyone, but was only acting on the books of his spiritual master, which teach that cow dung is pure and sacred. He reasoned that he was only making the sacred remnants of food and drink offered to his God even more sacred by adding this new 'secret ingredient'.

The youth was not charged, but the court has ordered that he report to a local mental health facility for psychological evaluation, pending a formal hearing. All of the victims are reportedly in fair to good condition and several have already been released.

Mr. John Lotusfoot, spokesman for the sect made an official statement to the press on Monday, in which he stated, 'We have never had a policy of serving cow manure, or any other kind of manure for that matter to the public. The boy in question acted entirely on his own in this and was never authorized by an adult to engage in this type of activity.' The manure apparently had been used in a religious ceremony earlier in the day and police are considering charging the management of the center with criminal negligence and improper handling of hazardous waste.

Florida governor Jeb Bush this morning in an official press release said, "We do not have faniacial cults in this state. This was not another Waco. The situation is under control and there have been no links to any Al Qaeda operatives established. But I assure you that we are investigating all leads. I spoke with the President this morning and his prayers go out to the families of the victims."

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Hare Krishna Extremist Under Investigation

July 25, 2002
Washington, D.C.


The Director of the CIA released a report to the press earlier today that reveals that Hare Krishna extremists are currently under investigation for allegedly sending hidden messages in crop circles around the globe.

Intelligence agencies from several different countries have pieced together evidence that the Krishnas have been hatching an elaborate plot for world domination over the past couple decades. This plan involves instituting a Hindu type caste system with Hare Krishna gurus as the new kings of the world. There are also taking very seriously the theory that the Krishnas are in collaboration with space aliens that are very much interested in colonizing the earth.

Purchases of black market nuclear warheads that have been missing from arsenils in the former Soviet Union have been traced to some of the extremist leaders that also have been publishing leaflets with neo-Nazi propaganda and dropping them on various European cities from small aircraft. It is not clear what they intend to do with the weaponry, but certain sources have leaked a plot to build a mythical weapon known as the brahmastra, which is mentioned in the Hindu epic poem Mahabharata, which is about an ancient war in India.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Hare Krishna Mother Conducts a Ritual Shaving

July 22, 2002
Hartford, CN


A Hare Krishna mother is under psychiatric evaluation after a bizarre incident at the day care center that she runs. It appears that the mother in question, Mrs. Dasi, methodically shaved all the hair off of the twenty seven children at the center shortly after they were dropped off by their parents in the morning.

She then shaved off her own hair. The shocked parents called authorities upon discovering that their children were now completely bald. Psychiatrists have released a preliminary diagnosis of a rare hair-phobia that they believe the woman suddenly developed.

Apparently this condition was brought on by certain books that had been written by her spiritual master, which describe hair as filty and composed of condensed stool. A spokesperson for the Krishnas told reporters, "She did not do anything so terrible. Those kids look nice and clean cut now. Just put some dhotis and saris on them, and that day care center will be just like the spiritual sky. Of course, we will have to put a stop to their weekly trips to McDonalds for hamburgers first."

The parents of the newly shaven children are threatening a civil suit against the woman, as well as against the estate of her spiritual master for conspiracy to shave children against their will.

Elvis Sighting at Hare Krishna Ranch

July 17, 2002
Roswell, NM


There has reportedly been an Elvis sighting at a Hare Krishna ranch near Roswell, New Mexico, an area famous for UFO activity. Several witnesses reported seeing the late pop star appear in a blinding flash of light in the middle of an outdoor chanting ceremony.

According to reports he danced around for twenty seconds and then mysteriously vanished into thin air. J. Dasi, aged 57 and mother of three, a lifelong Presley fan told reporters, 'It was just incredible. I always knew Elvis was a devotee. There are hidden messages in his song, 'Blue Suede Shoes', which I have been telling people for years, but no one believed me, until now.

The real meaning is Krishna's feet, which are blue and soft like a lotus flower, and suede is soft too.' UFO investigators searched the grounds of the ranch for any signs of a landing of extraterrestrials. However, they did not find anything significant, but did unearth a stash of hallucinogenic drugs buried near the temple building.

Hare Krishnas Go On Rampage in Orlando

July 16, 2002
Orlando, FL


A man was attacked in the Magic Kingdom parking lot yesterday by three Hare Krishna followers dressed as Disney characters. They held the man down at gunpoint and proceeded to force feed him food that they believe to be sacred on account of being offered to Hindu gods in a special sacrifice. The victim, Robert Manson, is a paralegal for the law offices of Dallas attorney Swindle Turdley.

Apparently the Krishna devotees went on a rampage after a recent lawsuit filed by Turdley's firm in a central Florida court last week. The suit, which represents two women's groups, MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) and WAPE (Women Against Penis Envy), alleges that the organization is in breach of contract over women's rights in their Alachua, Florida temple.

One woman ex-member testified in court that the current temple president is actually a man dressed up as a woman. She claims that she discovered this fact during a daily ritual wherein the whole congregation bows done in prayers that are shouted at the top of their lungs. When she looked over she saw the president's wig fall off and a grapefruit come tumbling out of his brassiere, which he quickly replaced before anyone would notice. When she brought this to the attention of other members of the congregation, the president found out and had her banned, claiming that she was under the influence of the Hindu goddess Maya (the goddess of illusion).

MADD became a party to the suit on account of one of their members spotting the president weaving in traffic. She told reporters, 'The Krishnas claim that she, or he or whatever it is was just in a state of ecstasy and temporarily out of control of the vehicle. But, I know a drunk driver when I see one.'

The temple president in question was recently appointed to the position as a concession to demands by women's rights advocates among the congregation. Police are following all leads in pursuit of the suspects and have asked residents of the Orlando area to report any sightings of people in costume dressed as Mickey, Minnie and Goofy wielding semi-automatic weapons.

Hare Krishnas Purchase Nevada Brothel

July 15, 2002
Las Vegas, NV


The International Society for Krishna Consciousness (AKA the Hare Krishna movement) has just purchased a failing house of ill repute eighty miles south of Las Vegas, The Sinderella Palace. There has already been a schism between the acquired employees and the new management over dress codes.

The Krishnas expect the ladies to greet guests at the door in traditional Indian saris instead of the usual Victoria's Secret and Fredricks of Hollywood attire they have invested much of their earnings on recently. They have been told that they have to purchase expensive saris with gold trim out of their own pockets and that this will liberate them from the cycle of birth, death and rebirth, on account of the proceeds going to the mission of their founder, Swami Prabhupada, whom they believe to be the incarnation of the Hindu god Vishnu.

Madame Cleo Torus told reporters, "The whole sari thing is not the worst part, its those Hare Krishna men who expect us to do all kinds of kinky things for money. Most of our girls are only into straight sex, and they deliver the goods in a professional manner. Of course they do give us extra tips not to tell their wives that they have been using our services, but that does not make up for their lack of personal hygiene. I heard they do not even use toilet paper most of the time. Ick!"

Hare Krishnas Open Nude Beach

Miami, Florida
July 3rd, 2002


Police arrested a man for misdemeanor assault at a beach north of here this morning. The suspect, Mr. J. Das, 27, allegedly threw buckets of ice water on three young women because he was offended by their toplessness on the beach. Because the beach is private property, the three women were not in violation of local ordinances against public display of female breasts.

The oceanfront property, owned by rap recording artist Mocha Loco, was opened for used by the public last month and signs were posted at each entrance advertising 'clothing optional recreation and free food'. Although the lavish beach house is still owned by Mr. Loco, the beach itself was donated to the local Hare Krishna temple as a tax write-off. In a ploy to attract potential recruits the Krishnas posted the signs, which in fine print at the bottom (which is unreadable without standing ten inches away) state that clothing optional only applies to dogs and cows.

The Krishnas have a bull and three cows penned up behind the beach house. In the first week the beach was opened to the public the bull broke out of his fenced enclosure and charged a group of nude volleyball players that were using a bright red ball. None of the nudists were injured, however the bull punctured the ball with his sharp horns and one of the naked volleyball athletes threw a rock through Mr. Loco's patio door, causing five hundred dollars damage.

In a statement to reporters, Mr. Loco said, 'I like the veggie food the Krishnas pass out, but they tricked me with this whole nude beach scam. I was expectin' to be takin' in some vistas of fine young female skin under the sun, but every time the foxy babes take it off, one of them bald headed crazies has to run 'em off the property. I just ain't right!'