Hare Krishnas Go On Rampage in Orlando

July 16, 2002
Orlando, FL

A man was attacked in the Magic Kingdom parking lot yesterday by three Hare Krishna followers dressed as Disney characters. They held the man down at gunpoint and proceeded to force feed him food that they believe to be sacred on account of being offered to Hindu gods in a special sacrifice. The victim, Robert Manson, is a paralegal for the law offices of Dallas attorney Swindle Turdley.

Apparently the Krishna devotees went on a rampage after a recent lawsuit filed by Turdley's firm in a central Florida court last week. The suit, which represents two women's groups, MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) and WAPE (Women Against Penis Envy), alleges that the organization is in breach of contract over women's rights in their Alachua, Florida temple.

One woman ex-member testified in court that the current temple president is actually a man dressed up as a woman. She claims that she discovered this fact during a daily ritual wherein the whole congregation bows done in prayers that are shouted at the top of their lungs. When she looked over she saw the president's wig fall off and a grapefruit come tumbling out of his brassiere, which he quickly replaced before anyone would notice. When she brought this to the attention of other members of the congregation, the president found out and had her banned, claiming that she was under the influence of the Hindu goddess Maya (the goddess of illusion).

MADD became a party to the suit on account of one of their members spotting the president weaving in traffic. She told reporters, 'The Krishnas claim that she, or he or whatever it is was just in a state of ecstasy and temporarily out of control of the vehicle. But, I know a drunk driver when I see one.'

The temple president in question was recently appointed to the position as a concession to demands by women's rights advocates among the congregation. Police are following all leads in pursuit of the suspects and have asked residents of the Orlando area to report any sightings of people in costume dressed as Mickey, Minnie and Goofy wielding semi-automatic weapons.