August 10, 2002
San Francisco, CA
The City Council yesterday awarded a permit for the local Hare Krishna center to use a military tank for its annual cart festival in Golden Gate Park. An applications for a permit for a caravan of armored Humvees with roof mounted automatic rifle turrets for Hare Krishna gurus to ride in down the parade route was denied, however.
The organization's spokeswoman, Annoutami Devi Dasi, 23, told reporters, "We think updating our traditional chariot to the modern version of the chariot for Their Lordships to ride on will help the conditioned souls relate to our mission, as well as show our support for the president's anti-terrorist campaign. As far as the armored vehicles for our leaders, that was just a standard security measure, but the city does not agree. But they are just in maya. If some stalker wants to take a shot at a guru with a handgun, the guru has every right to have his secretary fire back with an automatic weapon.
"Okay, I know what you're thinking, some innocent bystanders might get gunned down in the spray of bullets, but hey that's not really so bad, because they get to go back to Godhead because they will be having darshan of Shree Jagannath, Shree Baladev and Shreematee Subhadra at the time. And who knows they could even be an Al Qaeda agent, so it would be killing two birds with one stone. We plan to appeal to the White House over this."
Apparently the city offered to make a concession and let the gurus ride in caravan of vehicles with bullet proof glass bubbles so they can wave to the crowds, like the Pope uses, and a bodyguard with a registered handgun accompanying each one, but the offer was rejected by the Krishnas, who stand firm in their request.
Showing posts with label gurus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gurus. Show all posts
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Letters to the Editor: August 8th
August 8th, 2002
Dear Sirs,
Please accept my humble obeisances. I am very angry that you refused to run my article about my problem with my guru. As I told you in the story I spent many hours writing and rewriting how he kept stringing me along for over five years telling me how he was definitely going to get a divorce from his wife and marry me. He kept getting cheaper and cheaper hotel rooms for us to meet at and the jewelry gifts went from Tiffiny to costume cubic zirconia. Then after all of that humiliation he tells me that he can't marrry me after all because it would not be Vedic for him to marry his own disciple.
Then I ask him which Veda says that and he just tells me how I am in maya and don't see the big picture and how I should just surrender to Prabhupada's movement and stop just thinking of myself. He would not even use a condom and I always had to take the pill and use a diaphragm, plus he really was not very good in bed. I think my story should be told and you have just ignored me. I do not understand.
Sincerely,
L.D.D.
Dear L.D.D.
First of all, what are humble obeisances? Secondly, it is not our policy to print any articles without being able to verify the facts. If we were to just print every juicy story that comes along, then our readers would start to doubt the integrity of our publication.
If you can at least furnish some other proof about this story (photographs, letters, receipts from jewelry stores, anything more than just the story you sent us), then we could reconsider printing your article. Until then keep with the humble obeisances, whatever that is and don't lose hope. You might just bring us the next Pulitzer prize winning piece or the celebrity scandal photo of the century.
Sincerely,
NEHKE Editor in Chief
Dear Sirs,
Please accept my humble obeisances. I am very angry that you refused to run my article about my problem with my guru. As I told you in the story I spent many hours writing and rewriting how he kept stringing me along for over five years telling me how he was definitely going to get a divorce from his wife and marry me. He kept getting cheaper and cheaper hotel rooms for us to meet at and the jewelry gifts went from Tiffiny to costume cubic zirconia. Then after all of that humiliation he tells me that he can't marrry me after all because it would not be Vedic for him to marry his own disciple.
Then I ask him which Veda says that and he just tells me how I am in maya and don't see the big picture and how I should just surrender to Prabhupada's movement and stop just thinking of myself. He would not even use a condom and I always had to take the pill and use a diaphragm, plus he really was not very good in bed. I think my story should be told and you have just ignored me. I do not understand.
Sincerely,
L.D.D.
Dear L.D.D.
First of all, what are humble obeisances? Secondly, it is not our policy to print any articles without being able to verify the facts. If we were to just print every juicy story that comes along, then our readers would start to doubt the integrity of our publication.
If you can at least furnish some other proof about this story (photographs, letters, receipts from jewelry stores, anything more than just the story you sent us), then we could reconsider printing your article. Until then keep with the humble obeisances, whatever that is and don't lose hope. You might just bring us the next Pulitzer prize winning piece or the celebrity scandal photo of the century.
Sincerely,
NEHKE Editor in Chief
Monday, January 19, 2009
Hare Krishna Benefit Play a Big Hit
July 29, 2002
New York, NY
Thousands turned out at the local Hare Krishna center over the weekend for a free performance of the long running Broadway play, 'The Vagina Monologues'. There was no admission charged, but many theatergoers made handsome donations to the center.
The proceeds of the benefit are to go to a women's advocacy group within the organization. One attendee told reporters, 'Even many of their swamis were in attendance, even though they were technically not supposed to be in the audience. I recognized them, despite their various disguises like wigs and false mustaches and beards and those tacky polyester suits.
They need to shop in better stores, consider the amount of money they make. I'll have to take one of them down the Saks and show them around one of these days. Well, at least they have good taste in watches. For many of them it was their expensive Rolexes that gave them away. Really, if you're going to go around in disguise, at least hide the jewelry!'
New York, NY
Thousands turned out at the local Hare Krishna center over the weekend for a free performance of the long running Broadway play, 'The Vagina Monologues'. There was no admission charged, but many theatergoers made handsome donations to the center.
The proceeds of the benefit are to go to a women's advocacy group within the organization. One attendee told reporters, 'Even many of their swamis were in attendance, even though they were technically not supposed to be in the audience. I recognized them, despite their various disguises like wigs and false mustaches and beards and those tacky polyester suits.
They need to shop in better stores, consider the amount of money they make. I'll have to take one of them down the Saks and show them around one of these days. Well, at least they have good taste in watches. For many of them it was their expensive Rolexes that gave them away. Really, if you're going to go around in disguise, at least hide the jewelry!'
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Hare Krishna Swami Loses Soul
Back in the days, I co-authored a few slurs for NEHKE aside archiving it all. For old times' sake, here's one more.
January 17, 2009
Helsinki, Finland
In an unprecedented "Stay High Forever" temple music festival, Anatma Swami, a fired-up Hare Krishna preacher, lost grip of his wildly whirling monk partner and flew headlong into a larger-than-life copper replica of the movement founder's lotus feet by an open window.
As the Swami failed to respond to conventional first aid, temple authorities alerted for resident witch doctor Shittiwawa Das, an Indian tantric adept and leading disciple of retired guru Bob Haripada, for help. At the conclusion of a fair fifteen minutes of exotic rattling, popping, muttering, whisking and bouncing, Das concluded the patient's soul had departed in the crash and required urgent re-insertion.
All resident devotees have patrolled downtown Helsinki since yesterday afternoon, the time of the incident, passing out pamphlets urging for the lost soul's founder to return the precious commodity to its rightful owner – in return for the Swami's abundant and perpetual blessings. Sources tell former guru Bob Haripada found his soul in the late 90's with the help of a female therapist.
The soul in question is described as bearing a strong resemblance to 1:10,000th fragment of a male Caucasian hair tip, following the verdict of an ancient Hindu philosophical text. One ten-thousandth part of an average Caucasian tip of hair measures at an average of 0,0075 µm. Temple authorities were not available for comment on distinguishing the Swami's soul from any number of other souls probably lost downtown Helsinki.
January 17, 2009
Helsinki, Finland
In an unprecedented "Stay High Forever" temple music festival, Anatma Swami, a fired-up Hare Krishna preacher, lost grip of his wildly whirling monk partner and flew headlong into a larger-than-life copper replica of the movement founder's lotus feet by an open window.
As the Swami failed to respond to conventional first aid, temple authorities alerted for resident witch doctor Shittiwawa Das, an Indian tantric adept and leading disciple of retired guru Bob Haripada, for help. At the conclusion of a fair fifteen minutes of exotic rattling, popping, muttering, whisking and bouncing, Das concluded the patient's soul had departed in the crash and required urgent re-insertion.
All resident devotees have patrolled downtown Helsinki since yesterday afternoon, the time of the incident, passing out pamphlets urging for the lost soul's founder to return the precious commodity to its rightful owner – in return for the Swami's abundant and perpetual blessings. Sources tell former guru Bob Haripada found his soul in the late 90's with the help of a female therapist.
The soul in question is described as bearing a strong resemblance to 1:10,000th fragment of a male Caucasian hair tip, following the verdict of an ancient Hindu philosophical text. One ten-thousandth part of an average Caucasian tip of hair measures at an average of 0,0075 µm. Temple authorities were not available for comment on distinguishing the Swami's soul from any number of other souls probably lost downtown Helsinki.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Hare Krishna Gurus Burnt in a Ceremony
July 23, 2002
Dallas, TX
Members of KKAPP (Krishna Kids Against Perverts and Pedophiles) burned several Hare Krishna gurus in effigy at a Dallas park today. They then sprinkled holy Ganges water over the ashes. The images were fashioned from paper mache and cow dung.
The KKAPP folks are former students at Hare Krishna boarding schools that recently sued the organization for physical and sexual abuse in years past. One of the gurus burnt in effigy told reporters, "Yeah, well I was in maya, just like those kids are now. It was the books of my spiritual master that eventually saved me. You know, those law books for the next ten thousand years.
"Have any of you read them? If not, then get your cameras and microphones out of my face, you meat eating and vagina licking and cock sucking demons. If you have read them and still have not shaved up, then my lotus boot upon your face!" He then proceeded to kick one photographer and the toy poodle of an elderly lady that happened to be passing by.
Dallas, TX
Members of KKAPP (Krishna Kids Against Perverts and Pedophiles) burned several Hare Krishna gurus in effigy at a Dallas park today. They then sprinkled holy Ganges water over the ashes. The images were fashioned from paper mache and cow dung.
The KKAPP folks are former students at Hare Krishna boarding schools that recently sued the organization for physical and sexual abuse in years past. One of the gurus burnt in effigy told reporters, "Yeah, well I was in maya, just like those kids are now. It was the books of my spiritual master that eventually saved me. You know, those law books for the next ten thousand years.
"Have any of you read them? If not, then get your cameras and microphones out of my face, you meat eating and vagina licking and cock sucking demons. If you have read them and still have not shaved up, then my lotus boot upon your face!" He then proceeded to kick one photographer and the toy poodle of an elderly lady that happened to be passing by.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Hare Krishna Stages Nude Protest at Nation's Capital
Washington, D.C.
September 6, 2002
Hare Krishna activist Puranjana Das was arrested here earlier today, along with thirty female prostitutes, for parading down a major street in a nude protest of the impending war on Iraq that President Bush is making a case for in the Congress and the United Nations. The protestors carried signs denouncing child molester gurus as well as the current U.S. government.
One of the prostitutes, who apparently is a spokesperson for the group, told reporters that the issue is that the president's war on terrorists and governments that support and harbor them is misplaced and that the real villains are homosexual gurus that prey on children. She added that they would continue the naked protests in various major cities throughout the nation until the people and the government come to their senses and realize where the true priorities lie. Finally she said that her pierced nipples are an expression of spirituality and her solidarity with Puranjana Das, who also has pierced nipples.
September 6, 2002
Hare Krishna activist Puranjana Das was arrested here earlier today, along with thirty female prostitutes, for parading down a major street in a nude protest of the impending war on Iraq that President Bush is making a case for in the Congress and the United Nations. The protestors carried signs denouncing child molester gurus as well as the current U.S. government.
One of the prostitutes, who apparently is a spokesperson for the group, told reporters that the issue is that the president's war on terrorists and governments that support and harbor them is misplaced and that the real villains are homosexual gurus that prey on children. She added that they would continue the naked protests in various major cities throughout the nation until the people and the government come to their senses and realize where the true priorities lie. Finally she said that her pierced nipples are an expression of spirituality and her solidarity with Puranjana Das, who also has pierced nipples.
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