Hare Krishna Guru Indicted for Sperm Bank Fraud

August 9, 2002
Memphis, TN

Circuit Court Judge, Walter T. Hangemheigh, set a trial date today for Bhaktishastri Swami Hiranyakashipu Kalipada Sarasvati Bharati Goswami Maharaj Mahabhagavata Acharya for his alleged scheme to bilk the local sperm bank out of money and establish a master race of Vedic Aryans to help him overthrow the U.S. government.

His plan apparently unraveled when a clerk who works at the sperm bank, Ms. Smith, 37, caught on to his method of having hundreds of his disciples go in to make deposits with vials of his sperm samples hidden in their pockets. Smith told the court in a pre-trial deposition proceeding, 'It was kind of obvious considering they all had the same address on the donor form and sometimes some of them would come in wearing these bad disguises like wigs and fake beards and mustaches. Only a couple of them took magazines from the pile we keep on hand to you know ' 'help them along', which was a big red flag. We get these cases from time to time, but never on this massive of a scale. They thought they were so clever with their big philosophy, but hey, I guess I am smarter than them after all.'

Mr. Acharya made a statement to the court that the case is a travesty and miscarriage of justice, considering his status as a Vedic Brahmin priest and that he was only practicing what his scriptures teach about pro-creating for religious reasons. He added that they should be out catching the real criminals like crooked corporate executives and sahajiyas and mayavadis.

A local pharmacist told reporters, "I knew Acharya. He used to come in here with all kinds of crazy prescriptions in massive quantities. I sometimes would tell him, 'Hey you can't mix those drugs together. You're going to kill yourself.' And he would just tell me, Shut up you dog eater and mind your own business.' Sometimes he would come in dressed up as Elvis, which I though was wrong. Elvis was a gentleman, unlike this dude, and a very good customer I might add."