Hare Krishna Preacher Attempts to Expand His Flock

August 10, 2002
San Diego, CA

Zookeeper Charles Dalton began his early morning chores as usual this morning, but was in for a surprise when he went into the ape house to serve breakfast to the primates. He heard a young girl shouting to her parents, 'Look Mommy, Daddy that one ape has a ponytail.' Dalton looked over in their direction and spotted a naked Hare Krishna monk sitting on the branch of one of the fake trees and giving a sermon to an orangutan named Susie. 'You are not this body. You are a spirit soul. You need to give up this maya and shave up and move into the temple.' he heard the monk telling the ape, who just picked lint from the monk's eyebrows and sniffed his butt, oblivious to the words of wisdom.

Dalton shouted, 'Hey what the hell are you doing in there!' The monk shouted out in alarm, 'Quick, the demons have spotted us. We must make our escape!' and started tugging at the large ape's arm. Susie took this as an invitation for play and began wrestling with the monk, who kept shouting, 'No, you don't understand. I am here to liberate you from the cycle of birth and death and show you the way back to Godhead!' Dalton summoned some other zookeepers to help him separate the two and they tied up the monk with some rope and called the police. The monk, Banara Das, 25, has been charged with trespassing and public indecency.

Hare Krishnas Get Permit for Cart Festival

August 10, 2002
San Francisco, CA

The City Council yesterday awarded a permit for the local Hare Krishna center to use a military tank for its annual cart festival in Golden Gate Park. An applications for a permit for a caravan of armored Humvees with roof mounted automatic rifle turrets for Hare Krishna gurus to ride in down the parade route was denied, however.

The organization's spokeswoman, Annoutami Devi Dasi, 23, told reporters, "We think updating our traditional chariot to the modern version of the chariot for Their Lordships to ride on will help the conditioned souls relate to our mission, as well as show our support for the president's anti-terrorist campaign. As far as the armored vehicles for our leaders, that was just a standard security measure, but the city does not agree. But they are just in maya. If some stalker wants to take a shot at a guru with a handgun, the guru has every right to have his secretary fire back with an automatic weapon.

"Okay, I know what you're thinking, some innocent bystanders might get gunned down in the spray of bullets, but hey that's not really so bad, because they get to go back to Godhead because they will be having darshan of Shree Jagannath, Shree Baladev and Shreematee Subhadra at the time. And who knows they could even be an Al Qaeda agent, so it would be killing two birds with one stone. We plan to appeal to the White House over this."

Apparently the city offered to make a concession and let the gurus ride in caravan of vehicles with bullet proof glass bubbles so they can wave to the crowds, like the Pope uses, and a bodyguard with a registered handgun accompanying each one, but the offer was rejected by the Krishnas, who stand firm in their request.

Hare Krishna Guru Indicted for Sperm Bank Fraud

August 9, 2002
Memphis, TN

Circuit Court Judge, Walter T. Hangemheigh, set a trial date today for Bhaktishastri Swami Hiranyakashipu Kalipada Sarasvati Bharati Goswami Maharaj Mahabhagavata Acharya for his alleged scheme to bilk the local sperm bank out of money and establish a master race of Vedic Aryans to help him overthrow the U.S. government.

His plan apparently unraveled when a clerk who works at the sperm bank, Ms. Smith, 37, caught on to his method of having hundreds of his disciples go in to make deposits with vials of his sperm samples hidden in their pockets. Smith told the court in a pre-trial deposition proceeding, 'It was kind of obvious considering they all had the same address on the donor form and sometimes some of them would come in wearing these bad disguises like wigs and fake beards and mustaches. Only a couple of them took magazines from the pile we keep on hand to you know ' 'help them along', which was a big red flag. We get these cases from time to time, but never on this massive of a scale. They thought they were so clever with their big philosophy, but hey, I guess I am smarter than them after all.'

Mr. Acharya made a statement to the court that the case is a travesty and miscarriage of justice, considering his status as a Vedic Brahmin priest and that he was only practicing what his scriptures teach about pro-creating for religious reasons. He added that they should be out catching the real criminals like crooked corporate executives and sahajiyas and mayavadis.

A local pharmacist told reporters, "I knew Acharya. He used to come in here with all kinds of crazy prescriptions in massive quantities. I sometimes would tell him, 'Hey you can't mix those drugs together. You're going to kill yourself.' And he would just tell me, Shut up you dog eater and mind your own business.' Sometimes he would come in dressed up as Elvis, which I though was wrong. Elvis was a gentleman, unlike this dude, and a very good customer I might add."

Interview of President Bush

Washington D.C.
August 8, 2002

The following is a NEHKE exclusive transcript of an Oval Office conversation between President Bush and Annoutami Dasi.

Secret Service Agent: Mr. President, the Hare Krishna people are here to see you.

GWB: What are Al Qaeda doing in the building' What's going on'

Secret Service Agent: They are not terrorists. They are from that religious organization. You know - the people that collect money in airports.

GWB: Oh. Yeah right. I mean, of course I know that. I'm just trying to keep you guys on your toes. Can never be to careful you know. [Chuckles] All right send them in, but stay close in case they try anything.

Annoutami Dasi and her male secretary enter and fall at Mr. Bush's feet as he extends his hand.

Annoutami Dasi and secretary in unison: nama om vishnu padaya...

GWB: Hey you can't do that in here, this is the Oval Office, for God's sake.

Secret Service Agent: It's ok, Mr. President. It's their standard protocol when dealing with government representatives.

Annoutami Dasi's secretary holds out a bag of pretzels.

AD: This is holy food from our temple, Mr. President. Please accept it as our gift.

GWB: I like pretzels. Thank you. Would you like a cigar with the presidential seal on it'

AD: Yes, please.

Mr. Bush hands each of them one. AD's secretary starts to light his and AD knocks it out of his hand.

AD: You fool! That has not been offered yet!

AD takes out a little picture of her guru, proceeds to light her cigar and offer it to the picture. Everyone takes a seat.

GWB: So, what brings you to the White House today?

AD: We have this problem with our permit for our annual San Francisco cart festival.

GWB: I like golf carts. I ride in them all of the time.

AD: So does my spiritual master.

GWB: Great minds think alike. What's his handicap?

AD: Seven.

GWB: Impressive. So how can I help with your problem?

AD: They let us have the permit for the tank for our Deities to ride upon, but they have turned down our application for the caravan of Humvees for our leaders to ride in. This is not acceptable. It creates a security problem for us.

GWB: I know all about security problems. Did they give you a reason for denying your application?

AD: They said that we could not have the vehicles in the parade because of the automatic weapons mounted on the roof.

GWB: What do you need such heavy fire power for?

AD: We never know when our leaders might be fired upon. Plus, there might be Al Qaeda agents out to assassinate them, on account of our Hindu roots.

GWB: So in other words, you're saying that Bin Laden or one of his top men might be at the parade and you might be able to take him out for us?

AD: That's exactly what I'm saying, Srila, I mean Mr. President.

GWB: That's enough for me. I'll have your permit for you by the end of the week.

AD: Thank you so much, Mr. President.

GWB: Anything for my voters.

East India Company Implicated in Academic Bribery

Dissociated Press
Monday, Feb 16, 2009
Marburg, Germany

In a surprise news shaking the contemporary academic world, documents found in the archives of the Department of Indology, Marburg University, reveal substantial East India Company sponsorship behind global indological research as recently as 2007.

The company, previously thought to have gone defunct in 1858, is now rumored to be as active as ever in influencing the direction of mainstream indological studies. The documents discovered apparently feature a re-confirmation of an original covenant dating to mid-19th century, signed by Max Müller and Ralph Griffith among others.

Rumors abound over the objectives and supporting forces behind the company. Senior officer for the British Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), who declined to be identified, has confirmed the presence of East India Company representatives in high-level staff meetings on several occasions.

Sources tell that the Queen of England is still bent on exercising her dominion over colonies of past, supporting the systematic campaign of misinformation interpreting old Indic religious texts as mere animistic ritualism. With the renewed funding of the British Empire, the East India Company is rumored to be educating the Indian masses on the Holy Gospel of Christ under the convenient veil of indology.

Letters to the Editor: August 8th

August 8th, 2002

Dear Sirs,

Please accept my humble obeisances. I am very angry that you refused to run my article about my problem with my guru. As I told you in the story I spent many hours writing and rewriting how he kept stringing me along for over five years telling me how he was definitely going to get a divorce from his wife and marry me. He kept getting cheaper and cheaper hotel rooms for us to meet at and the jewelry gifts went from Tiffiny to costume cubic zirconia. Then after all of that humiliation he tells me that he can't marrry me after all because it would not be Vedic for him to marry his own disciple.

Then I ask him which Veda says that and he just tells me how I am in maya and don't see the big picture and how I should just surrender to Prabhupada's movement and stop just thinking of myself. He would not even use a condom and I always had to take the pill and use a diaphragm, plus he really was not very good in bed. I think my story should be told and you have just ignored me. I do not understand.

Sincerely,
L.D.D.

---

Dear L.D.D.

First of all, what are humble obeisances? Secondly, it is not our policy to print any articles without being able to verify the facts. If we were to just print every juicy story that comes along, then our readers would start to doubt the integrity of our publication.

If you can at least furnish some other proof about this story (photographs, letters, receipts from jewelry stores, anything more than just the story you sent us), then we could reconsider printing your article. Until then keep with the humble obeisances, whatever that is and don't lose hope. You might just bring us the next Pulitzer prize winning piece or the celebrity scandal photo of the century.

Sincerely,
NEHKE Editor in Chief

Hare Krishna Spy Stows Away on Space Shuttle

August 7, 2002
Cape Kennedy, FL

The space shuttle crew discovered a stowaway on a recent mission to upgrade the Hubble telescope.

An astronaut told reports, 'I was doing a routine system when I noticed this shaved head with a little pony tail on it sticking out from among some Ethernet cables behind one of the onboard computers, so I yanked on the pony tail and he started screaming Hindu incantations at me. We tied him up and turned him over to authorities upon landing. He must have thought he was getting closer to his god by going into orbit with us.'

The stowaway, V. Das, 22, was expelled from several Hare Krishna schools for refusing to take his Ritalin for hyperactivity and joined an international terrorist faction within the organization that claims no ties to the official governing committee, the GBC, but intelligence agencies suspect that the GBC secretly authorized the formation of the extremist faction, mainly to spy on rival religious sects to dig up dirt on them and threaten them with violence should they ever criticize the Hare Krishna corporation ISKCON.

Das would not disclose the details of his secret mission, but agents that questioned him think he was attempting to discredit NASA based on the writings of his spiritual master, who thought that NASA faked not only the moon landings but all of its space programs since the beginning. However, apparently he thought the Russian space program was genuine and that Hitler was actually a benign ruler that was merely maligned by political enemies for being too powerful.

Hare Krishna Cameraman Excommunicated for Bizarre Diet

August 6, 2002
Hollywood, CA

H. Das, 34, is a union camera operator that has recently worked on the popular television series 'Survivor'. On a dare and a wager from other members of the filming crew, he one day gobbled down a big worm on location, apparently from a jar storing several to be fed to Survivor contestants.

According to eyewitness reports, he at first refused to take the dare on account of his vegan diet, but after taunts of 'wimp' and 'sissy', he relented. The result was totally unexpected, however: He actually became instantly addicted to the flavor and took to eating worms daily in secret. He even offered them on a secret altar in his basement to the Goddess Kali.

One of his family members eventually discovered his bizarre ritual of sacrificing worms and maggots and reported Das to the local Hare Krishna center. The temple authorities ordered Das to halt the practice immediately, which he agreed to, but kept on doing it secretly out in his wood shed. It turns out that the temple detectives had placed hidden cameras all over Das's property including inside of the woodshed. The result was an official excommunication. Das's family members are also ordered not to speak to him, except for uttering the phrases 'Haribol' and 'asura'.

Hare Krishna Swami Mounts Cyber Offensive Against Rivals

August 1, 2002

An American disciple of an Indian guru, Swami Sue White-tailed Deer, has recently published an article on his website that alleges disqualifications of the guru of a rival group. Sources could not verify whether or not Deer is of Native American descent or male or female gender.

All they would say is that clues are to be found in the song 'A Boy Named Sue' by country singer Johnny Cash. According to reports Deer went on a rampage after surfing to a website by a rival sect and finding statements that discredited his own group. He then went into his cell at the monastery and locked himself in for three days, furiously trying to find any scandals on the rival group. He failed to turn up any leads, and so hired a private detective firm outside of London to rummage through trash cans in various villages in India.

After several months had elapsed and his budget had run out, he stopped the investigation, which had failed to bring in anything he could use. Then one morning he ran into a meeting of his fellow Swamis and exclaimed, "I know what we can do! We'll make fun of the guru's name!" One of the group replied, "Uh, Swamiji. Do you think that is really the right strategy''
"Do you have a better idea'' countered Deer.
"Uh, not really. Hey, go for it!"

Hare Krishna Student Treated for a Bizarre Dermatological Condition

July 30, 2002
Los Angeles, CA

A student at Hare Krishna High was treated by Cedar Sinai emergency room staff for a bizarre dermatological condition. Nurses removed almost a full liter of pus from the youth's face, scalp and chin area.

The teenager, Haridas Das, 14, has had severe acne for a couple of years, but his parents forbade him using any of the conventional over the counter remedies, on account of a Hare Krishna belief that such treatments are not in accordance with the ancient Hindu texts know as the Vedas. The attending physician at Cedar Sinai, Dr. Murray Goldbergstein told reporters that the boy could have had almost 100% relief from his symptoms from any of a number of inexpensive remedies at the local pharmacy.

Apparently the boy also suffered psychological trauma from his condition at the hands of bullies at his school that taunted him with cruel nicknames such as 'pimple head' and 'zit-ananda'. Social workers are investigating the school, as well as the boy's household environment to determine the extent of abuse and whether or not to remand the youth to the care of a foster home. One of the nurses who worked on Haridas said that his head really did look like one huge zit and that he had trouble even opening and closing his eyes, due to the swollen condition of his entire head.

Hare Krisha Guru - the New Prajapati?

July 29, 2002
Tokyo, Japan

Japanese authorities have arrested an America man, J. Swami, who has been a guru in the Hare Krishna movement for the past several years, for multiple counts of bigamy.

The arrest was prompted by a civil class action paternity suit brought against the man by several hundred individuals that claim to have been fathered by him both in and out of wedlock. A spokeswoman for the Krishnas told reporters, 'He just had philosophical misunderstandings, that's all. He missed the point that our god Krishna could have sixteen thousand wives, but that such an activity is not bonafide for conditioned souls like us. As long as he keeps on chanting, he will overcome these anarthas.

Luckily he has amassed enough wealth to settle the pending litigation to everyone's satisfaction, and without any appreciable harm to the centers within his zone.' Criminal charges against Mr. Swami allege that he married over fifty different women in thirty different countries over a ten year period, and that he cleverly covered his tracks so that none of his wives would find out about any of the others. There was a break in the case when one of his illegitimate children had a DNA test done and started investigating the paternity of many of the other offspring of the man.

Hare Krishna Benefit Play a Big Hit

July 29, 2002
New York, NY

Thousands turned out at the local Hare Krishna center over the weekend for a free performance of the long running Broadway play, 'The Vagina Monologues'. There was no admission charged, but many theatergoers made handsome donations to the center.

The proceeds of the benefit are to go to a women's advocacy group within the organization. One attendee told reporters, 'Even many of their swamis were in attendance, even though they were technically not supposed to be in the audience. I recognized them, despite their various disguises like wigs and false mustaches and beards and those tacky polyester suits.

They need to shop in better stores, consider the amount of money they make. I'll have to take one of them down the Saks and show them around one of these days. Well, at least they have good taste in watches. For many of them it was their expensive Rolexes that gave them away. Really, if you're going to go around in disguise, at least hide the jewelry!'

Hindu Family Feud Turns Violent

July 29, 2002
Atlantic City, NJ

Two local families that live next door to each other started firing shots at each other with hunting rifles yesterday, before police broke up the standoff with tear gas canisters. It seems the dispute began over one of the families (followers of Hare Krishna guru A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami) using the other family's back yard as an outdoor toilet on several occasions.

Apparently the family that owns the property that was used in such a manner are members of a rival sect (followers of the Hare Krishna guru, Narayan Maharaj). When the wife of Narayan follower N. Das complained to the wife of Bhaktivedanta follower B. Das over this practice, she was told by the latter that because of her shudra caste, this was a practice authorized by Hindu scriptures and that she should consider it a special blessing.

Apparently N. Das drives a truck for a waste management company and B. Das works at a local casino as a blackjack dealer, which would make him of the mercantile caste, one notch above N. Das's laborer caste. A neighbor that lives across the street from the two families told reporters, 'That Das guy says he is in waste management, but we all know he really works for the mob. We often see suspicious characters coming and going in expensive cars and carrying violin cases with them. And believe me, they do not play for any orchestra I have ever heard of, if you catch my drift.' He then winked and smirked.

Hare Krishna Swami Loses Soul

Back in the days, I co-authored a few slurs for NEHKE aside archiving it all. For old times' sake, here's one more.

January 17, 2009
Helsinki, Finland

In an unprecedented "Stay High Forever" temple music festival, Anatma Swami, a fired-up Hare Krishna preacher, lost grip of his wildly whirling monk partner and flew headlong into a larger-than-life copper replica of the movement founder's lotus feet by an open window.

As the Swami failed to respond to conventional first aid, temple authorities alerted for resident witch doctor Shittiwawa Das, an Indian tantric adept and leading disciple of retired guru Bob Haripada, for help. At the conclusion of a fair fifteen minutes of exotic rattling, popping, muttering, whisking and bouncing, Das concluded the patient's soul had departed in the crash and required urgent re-insertion.

All resident devotees have patrolled downtown Helsinki since yesterday afternoon, the time of the incident, passing out pamphlets urging for the lost soul's founder to return the precious commodity to its rightful owner – in return for the Swami's abundant and perpetual blessings. Sources tell former guru Bob Haripada found his soul in the late 90's with the help of a female therapist.

The soul in question is described as bearing a strong resemblance to 1:10,000th fragment of a male Caucasian hair tip, following the verdict of an ancient Hindu philosophical text. One ten-thousandth part of an average Caucasian tip of hair measures at an average of 0,0075 µm. Temple authorities were not available for comment on distinguishing the Swami's soul from any number of other souls probably lost downtown Helsinki.

Enron Executive Leads a Double Life as a Hare Krishna Swami

July 24, 2002
Houston, TX

Ex-Enron executive Gary K. Smith has been leading a double life. Monday through Friday he would head into his office at the notorious Enron Corporation and on weekends he would head over to a local Hare Krishna center to pose as his alter ego, Gulabjamunananda Swami, to receive worship from his disciples and spout Hare Krishna philosophy from a lavish jewel encrusted throne.

He had a special skin head wig with a pony tail on it custom made so he could disguise himself a as a Hindu holy man. His tailor would sew silk Hindu shirts for him in between orders for his Armani suits that he wore to work at his day job. His secret was discovered when his wife, who suspected he was having extramarital affairs (since she never saw him on weekends), had him followed by a private detective. The Krishnas thought that he was off preaching in the Pacific Rim during the week and jetting back and forth on his private Lear jet.

Authorities are now looking for Smith, who is wanted for questioning over the recent scandals at Enron. It is believed that he left the country for some unknown destination on his jet without filing the customary flight plans as expected. They are following leads at various Krishna communities around the globe where he could be hiding out. The FBI also is looking for him on account of huge quantities of illegal drugs found in a secret sub basement at his lavish Houston mansion.

Also discovered in the sub basement were several Texas prostitutes locked in various chambers who claim that Smith was holding them to be sold into slavery in harems over in Arab countries. One of them told reporters, 'He has this weird weekly ritual where he would make us jump into a big vat of sugar water and then proceed to lick it off of us, calling us his little gulab jamuns. Then he would make us chant Hare Krishna a hundred times and tell us all our sins had been wiped away.'

One of his disciples told the press in a recent interview, 'He kept using the Enron examples in his lectures, and it was getting more and more frequent up until his disappearance a few weeks ago. He also came into the temple with very sticky hands on Saturday morning, muttering something about 'naughty ladies' and then requesting a bowl of warm water to rinse them off in.'

Hare Krishna Gurus Burnt in a Ceremony

July 23, 2002
Dallas, TX

Members of KKAPP (Krishna Kids Against Perverts and Pedophiles) burned several Hare Krishna gurus in effigy at a Dallas park today. They then sprinkled holy Ganges water over the ashes. The images were fashioned from paper mache and cow dung.

The KKAPP folks are former students at Hare Krishna boarding schools that recently sued the organization for physical and sexual abuse in years past. One of the gurus burnt in effigy told reporters, "Yeah, well I was in maya, just like those kids are now. It was the books of my spiritual master that eventually saved me. You know, those law books for the next ten thousand years.

"Have any of you read them? If not, then get your cameras and microphones out of my face, you meat eating and vagina licking and cock sucking demons. If you have read them and still have not shaved up, then my lotus boot upon your face!" He then proceeded to kick one photographer and the toy poodle of an elderly lady that happened to be passing by.

Hare Krishna Buck Private Lost in the Forest

July 19, 2002
Walla Walla National Forest, Washington

Search parties labored long into the night yesterday trying to find any trace of the missing Hare Krishna buck private, Bhakta Bert Billows. Mr. Billows had just completed six weeks training at the Hare Krishna boot camp for neophyte preachers and was on a chanting outing with his fellow Krishna devotees.

He was discovered missing around three in the afternoon. Several campers reported sighting a bigfoot wearing the traditional Hare Krishna beadbag, which Billows always carried around with him. A spokeswoman for the Krishnas discounted those reports and stated that their organization believes bigfoot to be the Hindu monkey god Hanuman, and that he would never steal a neophyte preacher's beadbag like that.

Police are investigating allegations that Billows was having an affair with the wife of his drill sergeant at the boot camp, which would give the sergeant motive for eliminating his buck private. So far they have not uncovered any hard evidence of foul play, however.

Hare Krishnas Worship the Loch Ness Monster

July 18, 2002
Loch Ness, Scotland

The Hare Krishnas were out in force here today, doing their big puja cermemony to the Loch Ness Monster. They believe that he is actually the legendary Kaliya serpent mentioned in their sacred Hindu bible.

They attempted at one point to tie up a local Protestant minister as a human sacrifice to the elusive creature, but a band of drunken Scottish golfers rescued the poor fellow. They then proceeded to harrass the local wildlife instead, throwing pieces of unleavened whole wheat bread at them and scaring the bejesus out of them in the process.

Scotland Yard sent out investigators to make sure there were no Al Qaeda operatives that might have infiltrated the Krishnas. In the end they just issued citations for littering to the few stragglers that were on the premises at sunset.

Hare Krishnas Purchase Indian Micro-Brewery

September 9, 2002
Bangalore, India

The Hare Krishnas have just bought a ten year old brewery that specializes in custom beers and ales. They plan a huge Oktoberfest celebration next month at the brewery at which they will be premiering their new Soma brand. Apparently they claim to have evidence that the elixir of immortality of the same name mentioned in the Vedas was actually a type of beer and contained hops and other unknown ingredients.

There will also be scantily clad dancing girls at the party, which has the theme of Indra's celestial realm. Several million dollars has been spent purchasing decorations and rental of elephants and bright multicolored tents. They have also spared no expense as far as security, which includes several dozen heavily armed bouncers to deal with any revelers that get out of hand after over-indulging in the alcohol. Casino games are one of the major attractions to be featured.

Hare Krishna Stages Nude Protest at Nation's Capital

Washington, D.C.
September 6, 2002

Hare Krishna activist Puranjana Das was arrested here earlier today, along with thirty female prostitutes, for parading down a major street in a nude protest of the impending war on Iraq that President Bush is making a case for in the Congress and the United Nations. The protestors carried signs denouncing child molester gurus as well as the current U.S. government.

One of the prostitutes, who apparently is a spokesperson for the group, told reporters that the issue is that the president's war on terrorists and governments that support and harbor them is misplaced and that the real villains are homosexual gurus that prey on children. She added that they would continue the naked protests in various major cities throughout the nation until the people and the government come to their senses and realize where the true priorities lie. Finally she said that her pierced nipples are an expression of spirituality and her solidarity with Puranjana Das, who also has pierced nipples.

Hare Krishna Guru Sues Over Copyright Infringement

London, U.K.
September 6, 2002

Hare Krishna guru Narayan Maharaj has filed suit against the estate of his arch-rival, the late Sridhar Maharaj. The suit maintains that Sridhar deliberately and willfully stole the content of recent lectures by Narayan several years ago prior to his death. It states that even though Sridhar's lectures predated Narayan's chronologically, it was because Sridhar via his mystical powers (known as siddhis in the Sanskrit language) could foresee what Narayan was going to say in the future and then proceeded to steal his ideas and words verbatim.

Sridhar's followers are outraged at the allegations and plan to file a countersuit in a few days. Narayan Maharaj is nonplussed, however. He told reporters this afternoon, "I know I will be victorious in the end and my case will be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. After all it is I that have been endowed with the shakti of my guru, who was a ray of Vishnu." Vishnu is the maintainer god from the Hindu trinity (Brahma is the creator and Shiva is the destroyer). "That imposter just wanted to pass himself off as the genuine article, but that was just form imitating substance." he added with a jeering sneer and an arch of his eyebrow.

Family Pet Sues Owner

San Francisco, California
June 29, 2002

Fifi the poodle has filed suit against her owner, Mrs. H.K. Das in an unprecedented legal maneuver. The suit alleges that Mrs. Das was responsible for her husband, a minister for a local church run by the Hare Krishna sect, on several occasions chasing Fifi (a bitch, or female dog) around the house in attempt to procure sexual favors.

According to the sect's religious doctrine, married couples are prohibited from having intercourse more often than once a month. The suit alleges that many of the defendants claimed to be having sex as often as eight times a day, and several of them claimed to be having extramarital affairs with as many as three dozen other sect members.

The plaintiff, Mrs. H.K. Das, told reporters, "He has never really been very good in bed to begin with. My boyfriend is a much better lover. To have to sleep with him more than once a month is just hellish."