Hare Krishna Buck Private Lost in the Forest

July 19, 2002
Walla Walla National Forest, Washington

Search parties labored long into the night yesterday trying to find any trace of the missing Hare Krishna buck private, Bhakta Bert Billows. Mr. Billows had just completed six weeks training at the Hare Krishna boot camp for neophyte preachers and was on a chanting outing with his fellow Krishna devotees.

He was discovered missing around three in the afternoon. Several campers reported sighting a bigfoot wearing the traditional Hare Krishna beadbag, which Billows always carried around with him. A spokeswoman for the Krishnas discounted those reports and stated that their organization believes bigfoot to be the Hindu monkey god Hanuman, and that he would never steal a neophyte preacher's beadbag like that.

Police are investigating allegations that Billows was having an affair with the wife of his drill sergeant at the boot camp, which would give the sergeant motive for eliminating his buck private. So far they have not uncovered any hard evidence of foul play, however.