San Francisco, California
June 28th, 2002
The wife of a the minister at a local Krishna sect church here has filed suit in the federal circuit court against sixty four members of the church's congregation. The suit alleges that the defendants in the action caused her husband to become a sex maniac with their exaggerated tales of having frequent sex with their spouses.
According to the sect's religious doctrine, married couples are prohibited from having intercourse more often than once a month. The suit alleges that many of the defendants claimed to be having sex as often as eight times a day, and several of them claimed to be having extramarital affairs with as many as three dozen other sect members.
The plaintiff, Mrs. H.K. Das, told reporters, "He has never really been very good in bed to begin with. My boyfriend is a much better lover. To have to sleep with him more than once a month is just hellish."
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Congregation Sues Krishna Minister
San Francisco, California
June 27th, 2002
The congregation of a church of the Hare Krishna sect here has filed a lawsuit against its minister. The suit alleges that the minister, H.K. Das, engineered an elaborate scheme to bilk the church out of funds by filing a lawsuit against himself over breaking a vow of partial chastity.
According to a spokesperson for the sect, R. D. Dasi, Das, 54, has hired two attorneys, one to defend him and the other to sue him with the intention of getting them to invest a large portion of their legal fees in his fast food restaurant. Neither of Das's attorneys could be reached for comment. Dasi told local reporters in an interview this morning, "It is unbelievable that he would do this and with not one legal eagle, but two. I think he must be in double maya!"
June 27th, 2002
The congregation of a church of the Hare Krishna sect here has filed a lawsuit against its minister. The suit alleges that the minister, H.K. Das, engineered an elaborate scheme to bilk the church out of funds by filing a lawsuit against himself over breaking a vow of partial chastity.
According to a spokesperson for the sect, R. D. Dasi, Das, 54, has hired two attorneys, one to defend him and the other to sue him with the intention of getting them to invest a large portion of their legal fees in his fast food restaurant. Neither of Das's attorneys could be reached for comment. Dasi told local reporters in an interview this morning, "It is unbelievable that he would do this and with not one legal eagle, but two. I think he must be in double maya!"
Monday, December 29, 2008
Krishna Man Sues Himself
San Francisco, California
June 27th, 2002
A local minister in the Hare Krishna sect has filed a lawsuit with himself named as the both plaintiff and defendant in the federal circuit court here yesterday. The suit alleges that he broke his vow not to have sex with his wife more than once a month and is therefore entitled to punitive damages against himself for the pain and suffering he has caused to his congregation.
In a motion to dismiss by his defense attorney on the grounds that the lawsuit is frivolous, his attorney that is prosecuting the case argued that his client actually two people by the tenets of his own faith. One is his 'spirit soul' and the other is his 'false ego'. He further argued that it was the false ego self that broke the vow and that the spirit soul self is not entitle to damages.
Justice Berk T. V. Noad has take the matter under advisement and will issue a ruling by the end of the next week, after he has had a chance to review the doctrines of the Krishna sect's church.
June 27th, 2002
A local minister in the Hare Krishna sect has filed a lawsuit with himself named as the both plaintiff and defendant in the federal circuit court here yesterday. The suit alleges that he broke his vow not to have sex with his wife more than once a month and is therefore entitled to punitive damages against himself for the pain and suffering he has caused to his congregation.
In a motion to dismiss by his defense attorney on the grounds that the lawsuit is frivolous, his attorney that is prosecuting the case argued that his client actually two people by the tenets of his own faith. One is his 'spirit soul' and the other is his 'false ego'. He further argued that it was the false ego self that broke the vow and that the spirit soul self is not entitle to damages.
Justice Berk T. V. Noad has take the matter under advisement and will issue a ruling by the end of the next week, after he has had a chance to review the doctrines of the Krishna sect's church.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Florida Mass Poisoning Taxes Local Emergency Rooms
June 25, 2002
Alachua, FL
Local hospitals are overburdened with victims of an incident that occurred over the weekend at the center run by the International Society of Krishna Conscience. 119 persons became violently ill over the course of the afternoon Sunday during an outdoor festival. Their symptoms were all similar and included vomiting and diarrhea.
Public health officials first suspected salmonella, but that has now been ruled out. Yesterday a youth, aged 15, came forward and confessed that he had added cow manure to a batch of yogurt drink that had been served. He claims that he did not intend to harm anyone, but was only acting on the books of his spiritual master, which teach that cow dung is pure and sacred. He reasoned that he was only making the sacred remnants of food and drink offered to his God even more sacred by adding this new 'secret ingredient'.
The youth was not charged, but the court has ordered that he report to a local mental health facility for psychological evaluation, pending a formal hearing. All of the victims are reportedly in fair to good condition and several have already been released.
Mr. John Lotusfoot, spokesman for the sect made an official statement to the press on Monday, in which he stated, 'We have never had a policy of serving cow manure, or any other kind of manure for that matter to the public. The boy in question acted entirely on his own in this and was never authorized by an adult to engage in this type of activity.' The manure apparently had been used in a religious ceremony earlier in the day and police are considering charging the management of the center with criminal negligence and improper handling of hazardous waste.
Florida governor Jeb Bush this morning in an official press release said, "We do not have faniacial cults in this state. This was not another Waco. The situation is under control and there have been no links to any Al Qaeda operatives established. But I assure you that we are investigating all leads. I spoke with the President this morning and his prayers go out to the families of the victims."
Alachua, FL
Local hospitals are overburdened with victims of an incident that occurred over the weekend at the center run by the International Society of Krishna Conscience. 119 persons became violently ill over the course of the afternoon Sunday during an outdoor festival. Their symptoms were all similar and included vomiting and diarrhea.
Public health officials first suspected salmonella, but that has now been ruled out. Yesterday a youth, aged 15, came forward and confessed that he had added cow manure to a batch of yogurt drink that had been served. He claims that he did not intend to harm anyone, but was only acting on the books of his spiritual master, which teach that cow dung is pure and sacred. He reasoned that he was only making the sacred remnants of food and drink offered to his God even more sacred by adding this new 'secret ingredient'.
The youth was not charged, but the court has ordered that he report to a local mental health facility for psychological evaluation, pending a formal hearing. All of the victims are reportedly in fair to good condition and several have already been released.
Mr. John Lotusfoot, spokesman for the sect made an official statement to the press on Monday, in which he stated, 'We have never had a policy of serving cow manure, or any other kind of manure for that matter to the public. The boy in question acted entirely on his own in this and was never authorized by an adult to engage in this type of activity.' The manure apparently had been used in a religious ceremony earlier in the day and police are considering charging the management of the center with criminal negligence and improper handling of hazardous waste.
Florida governor Jeb Bush this morning in an official press release said, "We do not have faniacial cults in this state. This was not another Waco. The situation is under control and there have been no links to any Al Qaeda operatives established. But I assure you that we are investigating all leads. I spoke with the President this morning and his prayers go out to the families of the victims."
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Hare Krishna Extremist Under Investigation
July 25, 2002
Washington, D.C.
The Director of the CIA released a report to the press earlier today that reveals that Hare Krishna extremists are currently under investigation for allegedly sending hidden messages in crop circles around the globe.
Intelligence agencies from several different countries have pieced together evidence that the Krishnas have been hatching an elaborate plot for world domination over the past couple decades. This plan involves instituting a Hindu type caste system with Hare Krishna gurus as the new kings of the world. There are also taking very seriously the theory that the Krishnas are in collaboration with space aliens that are very much interested in colonizing the earth.
Purchases of black market nuclear warheads that have been missing from arsenils in the former Soviet Union have been traced to some of the extremist leaders that also have been publishing leaflets with neo-Nazi propaganda and dropping them on various European cities from small aircraft. It is not clear what they intend to do with the weaponry, but certain sources have leaked a plot to build a mythical weapon known as the brahmastra, which is mentioned in the Hindu epic poem Mahabharata, which is about an ancient war in India.
Washington, D.C.
The Director of the CIA released a report to the press earlier today that reveals that Hare Krishna extremists are currently under investigation for allegedly sending hidden messages in crop circles around the globe.
Intelligence agencies from several different countries have pieced together evidence that the Krishnas have been hatching an elaborate plot for world domination over the past couple decades. This plan involves instituting a Hindu type caste system with Hare Krishna gurus as the new kings of the world. There are also taking very seriously the theory that the Krishnas are in collaboration with space aliens that are very much interested in colonizing the earth.
Purchases of black market nuclear warheads that have been missing from arsenils in the former Soviet Union have been traced to some of the extremist leaders that also have been publishing leaflets with neo-Nazi propaganda and dropping them on various European cities from small aircraft. It is not clear what they intend to do with the weaponry, but certain sources have leaked a plot to build a mythical weapon known as the brahmastra, which is mentioned in the Hindu epic poem Mahabharata, which is about an ancient war in India.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Hare Krishna Mother Conducts a Ritual Shaving
July 22, 2002
Hartford, CN
A Hare Krishna mother is under psychiatric evaluation after a bizarre incident at the day care center that she runs. It appears that the mother in question, Mrs. Dasi, methodically shaved all the hair off of the twenty seven children at the center shortly after they were dropped off by their parents in the morning.
She then shaved off her own hair. The shocked parents called authorities upon discovering that their children were now completely bald. Psychiatrists have released a preliminary diagnosis of a rare hair-phobia that they believe the woman suddenly developed.
Apparently this condition was brought on by certain books that had been written by her spiritual master, which describe hair as filty and composed of condensed stool. A spokesperson for the Krishnas told reporters, "She did not do anything so terrible. Those kids look nice and clean cut now. Just put some dhotis and saris on them, and that day care center will be just like the spiritual sky. Of course, we will have to put a stop to their weekly trips to McDonalds for hamburgers first."
The parents of the newly shaven children are threatening a civil suit against the woman, as well as against the estate of her spiritual master for conspiracy to shave children against their will.
Hartford, CN
A Hare Krishna mother is under psychiatric evaluation after a bizarre incident at the day care center that she runs. It appears that the mother in question, Mrs. Dasi, methodically shaved all the hair off of the twenty seven children at the center shortly after they were dropped off by their parents in the morning.
She then shaved off her own hair. The shocked parents called authorities upon discovering that their children were now completely bald. Psychiatrists have released a preliminary diagnosis of a rare hair-phobia that they believe the woman suddenly developed.
Apparently this condition was brought on by certain books that had been written by her spiritual master, which describe hair as filty and composed of condensed stool. A spokesperson for the Krishnas told reporters, "She did not do anything so terrible. Those kids look nice and clean cut now. Just put some dhotis and saris on them, and that day care center will be just like the spiritual sky. Of course, we will have to put a stop to their weekly trips to McDonalds for hamburgers first."
The parents of the newly shaven children are threatening a civil suit against the woman, as well as against the estate of her spiritual master for conspiracy to shave children against their will.
Elvis Sighting at Hare Krishna Ranch
July 17, 2002
Roswell, NM
There has reportedly been an Elvis sighting at a Hare Krishna ranch near Roswell, New Mexico, an area famous for UFO activity. Several witnesses reported seeing the late pop star appear in a blinding flash of light in the middle of an outdoor chanting ceremony.
According to reports he danced around for twenty seconds and then mysteriously vanished into thin air. J. Dasi, aged 57 and mother of three, a lifelong Presley fan told reporters, 'It was just incredible. I always knew Elvis was a devotee. There are hidden messages in his song, 'Blue Suede Shoes', which I have been telling people for years, but no one believed me, until now.
The real meaning is Krishna's feet, which are blue and soft like a lotus flower, and suede is soft too.' UFO investigators searched the grounds of the ranch for any signs of a landing of extraterrestrials. However, they did not find anything significant, but did unearth a stash of hallucinogenic drugs buried near the temple building.
Roswell, NM
There has reportedly been an Elvis sighting at a Hare Krishna ranch near Roswell, New Mexico, an area famous for UFO activity. Several witnesses reported seeing the late pop star appear in a blinding flash of light in the middle of an outdoor chanting ceremony.
According to reports he danced around for twenty seconds and then mysteriously vanished into thin air. J. Dasi, aged 57 and mother of three, a lifelong Presley fan told reporters, 'It was just incredible. I always knew Elvis was a devotee. There are hidden messages in his song, 'Blue Suede Shoes', which I have been telling people for years, but no one believed me, until now.
The real meaning is Krishna's feet, which are blue and soft like a lotus flower, and suede is soft too.' UFO investigators searched the grounds of the ranch for any signs of a landing of extraterrestrials. However, they did not find anything significant, but did unearth a stash of hallucinogenic drugs buried near the temple building.
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